It has happened to so many people. You turned the corner on the street, were in an unexpected place at an unexpected time, or dropped by a bar with colleagues … only to see your lover in what could only be construed as a romantic embrace with another person.
Stop. Take a deep breath. Don’t take that next step and act through the red haze of anger. Betrayal is one of the worst things a lover can do to their partner. Yet false accusations of betrayal can almost be as bad and can tear a relationship apart.
Before you take an emotional leap or jump to false conclusions, you can act rationally. Communicate first; accuse later. When my friend Carl dropped by his wife’s workplace as a surprise, he was dumbfounded to see her standing on the street in a full, passionate embrace with another man.
His heart hit the bottom of his gut. He took three deep breaths and needed every ounce of courage he possessed to walk up to the couple and calmly make his presence known. His wife’s face turned white when she saw his expression. She immediately stepped back. “Hello, Carl. This is Andrew, my old study partner from school.” Andrew, not sensing that anything was wrong, turned to Carl with a friendly hello.
What did Carl do right? He let his partner explain the situation. He took time to process what she said and his own emotions. He took deep breaths. And he discovered that his worst fear was baseless. The man turned out to be someone that his wife knew ages ago: someone she cares about, but, clearly, no threat to their relationship.
Jealousy is one of the most toxic emotions you can experience, because it is a combination of feelings. It is anger plus fear, anxiety, hurt, helplessness, insecurity, possessiveness, rivalry, vengefulness, self- blame, and the threat of abandonment. Since relationships are built on strong emotions, it is hard to remain rational.
When your partner relates to others in an intimate manner, you may easily perceive her actions as a threat to your relationship. Her actions like using adultfrienedfinder may seem frightening, as they threaten your status as Number One in your partner’s eyes. These feelings are compounded if you feel insecure within yourself and your relationship.
There is a strong possessive quality to jealousy. But possessiveness is destructive. It demolishes the personal development, independence, and freedom your partner needs to become the person the person she wants to be. If you are not growing yourself, your partner’s growth might seem threatening to you. As a result, you might become jealous, limiting her relationships and experiences with others, monitoring her activities, and accusing her of being unfaithful and betraying your trust.
If your partner is attracted to someone else, jealousy can erupt with sudden and extreme severity. But if your partner is loyal to your relationship, nothing will come of it. People do feel attraction to others; it is part of life’s erotic play. But that does NOT mean that your partner will act on this attraction. You are still attracted to other women, aren’t you? You should trust your partner enough to know that that, when she spots an attractive man, she will do the same thing you do–keep walking right by.